Balance

Balance now I seek

Balance through-out the fog;

life was weak

My mind clouded by

Things I

could control - but didn't

It's not that I couldn't

Was just that I chose to

pick something unchosen

in front of me

I put something in front

I can not see

That wasn't supposed to be

The balance I sought

The wrath it brought

The balance I got

After the hurt I brought

on you.

I'm almost confused too...

Edge

That thin Edge
Sometimes its ok
ok to be a little
little on edge
edge walking that thin
thin line sometimes
sometimes it ok
ok to be
be just something
something else
else you'd see
see yourself looking
looking like you were walking
walking on
on a thin Edge.

(written Saturday, May 10 2008)

The Yawn of Orion

The night grows silent. I had something to talk about but she took it away.

The night grows cold. I had a feeling then she sucked it away.

The dream grows. I had a thought but she discarded it like she does her own.

I wake up. She wants to close her eyes.

There comes the time when we are in align. Then she decides a maze is better to keep me

wondering behind...

I am not nearly confused to the way things are. She doesn't know which way to go.

A yawn is a yawn - but a thought...will set you free!

(written Tuesday, November 21, 2006)

Halos

Tell me Heaven

I'm an Angel, floating among the stars
Seeing halos empty
Golden rings and ripped wings
Me reaching, gathering them in jars

Tell me Heaven

Why so many leave to go
To that place which became
Of sand and snow
To know things down there
Are closer to the flame

Tell me Heaven

So many vanished into the unknown
I'm here, though not alone
Floating and watching
Sitting on Mars
Watching empty halos shine
Brighter than stars

Tell me Heaven

I saw another fall
To that place
Where there is Spring and Fall
In desperation I reached to say
"Earthly bodies they become such waste"

Tell me Heaven

Why do Angels
Lose their Golden Rings
Then rip their wings
And fall to a place
Where by taking a breath
They accept Life...
and Death
Tell me Heaven if you will

What body shall I fill?

Ismael Josue' Nava
(written Tuesday, April 8 2008)

The Patient...

Read this:
"A groan of tedium escapes me, stuttering, fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience. drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right
Here.
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right
Here.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may. and I still may.
Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may. and I still may. and I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out." - TOOL

Read this:

I'm tired of all this. This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old. I'm tired of all this crap. I can't sleep because of all this, of all this feelings I have, of putting my whole heart into something. I don't want to believe in KARMA but it's hard to not when everything has reversed itself on me. Screw this. I love being able to understand that I'm not of this world, I'm more than just flesh, bone, and thought. I'm a spirit.
My true self is what I am when I am no more, when we are no more.
I just want to get rid of this feeling. It's what makes me human though, and am I not here to be human? Screw it all. The villains have all the fun, I'm attracted to this. I excelled as a villain. I was numero uno villain, so these guys can't out do me. I was tuned into the dark, I understood evil. I asked to be in it. Now I see others where I was. A villain. I see those I love push away the hero and pursue the dark. Maybe these villains I see will one day be heros...but I can't count on it. I will push on. I will fight on. I will destroy the villain in me and in you. I want to walk away so bad. I want to walk away so freaking bad. I WANT TO WALK AWAY. But am I - I'm not. Real life HEROS don't wear capes, they're not in public view. They're behind the scenes. I have chosen my path. I have chosen and decided where I shall be. My path intersects with yours and yours with mine. What shall you do when I ask you to decide? Be patient they say. Be strong and courageous He says. I must keep reminding myself of this...I must. Screw you and your indecision. Forget what you know. Quit trying to act like you know. You don't. Neither do I, but I know that I don't know. Is this is a test...it has to be. Be patient. Keep reminding myself of this, I must.

True Nobility

"True nobility is in being superior to your own previous self." - Hindu Proverb

I took a college course in Philosophy of Religion a year or so ago. It was a class on understanding religion on a philosophical (thinking) level - not the spiritual. In this class we discussed the Hindu religion. Not to get too confusing, the Hindu's have many gods, demi-gods, and a whole bunch of other gods in-between and outside of. A part of their religion is that, depending on what you do in this life, you will reap the fruits or pay the price for evils - in the next life. To them, you should always be improving from life to life to life..etc, until you reach the stage/level of a god type. In this, you can go on forever, screwing up or making better your situation in a specific life. This is why you see a lot of hindu people, not doing much in this life. They say, "I'll just wait till my next life and take care of it." Being a Christian, I only have one life to live, I have only one chance and I have to make it count. Now I can argue about what I think is right or what I think is wrong, but I'm not. One chance for eternity for me, I'd have it no other way. Now saying and understanding this, with the quote of the Hindu proverb I started off with, translate it to my Christian values and I have one life to out do my previous self. My previous self being where I was at yesterday, last week, last month, last year, 5 years ago...you get the point. Now there are always up and downs that we are going to go through, always though try to out do yourself.
I've been lazy lately, not really depressed but discouraged, a little bit of a failure, kind of bringing myself down and not building my whole self up and moving forward. It seems at a certain point in my life, I had everything I dreamed about, I had what I set out to do. I was what I dreamed of becoming. One day though, I dreamed greater dreams, I saw a new future...I attained new goals - visions. On my recent journey to accomplish these new goals and visions, I lost my way. I lost my nobility. I stopped growing. I regressed. I allowed failures in relationships that were at my fault to effect me.I allowed financial struggles - which I could have taken full control of - compound upon themselves in a negative way. I consciously spiritually disconnected myself from my Creator. I started to lose against my previous self.
I know the point of where I was when everything was right, where everything was in motion, where I was at the peak. When I get to that point again and I will, I will not look back. I will have learned this lesson of regression and not let it take hold of me again. I will be consciously aware. Before I leave this world, I must surpass myself - I must reach and attain...True Nobility.

Hand-outs or Hand-ups

"Every handout has a price and that price is a loss of freedom. We must preserve our talents of self-sufficiency, our ability to create things for ourselves, and our love of independence." - Cameron C. Taylor

I remember once when I was 16 that I wanted a brand new car. Going to one of the wealthier schools in the area, many class mates got what they wanted for a car, I didn't. I believe if I got the brand new 1999 Toyota Celica that I wanted, I would have broke my parents. That wasn't it though, my Dad didn't want to give me a hand-out. I remember leaving a restaurant with him, looking at that car in the parking lot and him saying - "Go out, get a job, work for it, and that car will be yours." I pretty much hated that statement. As we drove away all I could dream about was sitting behind that car and driving it like I would a spaceship. The summer right before my Junior year I went out and got a job at the Corpus Christi Airport. I would wake up at 5 in the morning and go wash cars all day at the car rental business named "Avis." 5am till 6pm, 6 days a week during the summer. As my friends went on vacations, as they had fun nights together, as they had girlfriends; I worked. By the end of the summer I had saved about 3 thousand dollars. Not enough for a brand new car. Going to my next choice, I started to search the classifieds. One by one, my selection was narrowed and diminished. Right before my Jr. year started and as I quit that summer job, I came across an old 1985 black Toyota Celica. It had a sunroof and a cd player with somewhat of a stereo system. The car needed work, the gears didn't shift too well, and the oil burned smoke if I went faster than 65 mph. Not what I wanted to have to impress the girls with at school. Since I worked for it though, it was mine, all mine, "My Car!" I drove that sucker into the ground. About a year later I would have the biggest life threatening car wreck - as I plowed into some trees - that I would ever have. I remember looking at it as it was a total destruction telling myself - "That was MY car. The first thing I OWNED outright." My Dad did have the money I believe, he could have helped me get something nicer, he could have given in and gave me what I wanted; but he taught me a lesson. He gave me a hand up, rather than a hand out. Now I find myself in almost the same situation in life, but this time the stakes are much greater. I worked and bought my own condo, a house, a motorcycle, a truck, a car, and some other things that I have lost, rented out, or wrecked since then. When I down right owned something, the value of it - I can't explain, is immeasurable. I owned these things, and those that I used debt to buy, are down right killing me. If I only could remember that lesson before I put myself in this mess would I be that much closer to my dreams. How impatient I was to get something I didn't work for, something that I couldn't wait to have. I have had a loss of freedom these last couple years, but it's my own fault. I will work my way out of it, I just have to get back to what lessons my Dad taught me when I was younger. I believe if he hadn't have taught me that lesson then, the situation I'm in now would be that much greater. I know what I need to do to succeed. How many of us are looking for hand outs rather than hand ups...Thanks Dad, I won't give hand outs to people anymore and I won't be looking for someone to give me one neither. It's all about giving people "hand-ups" from now on.

To change the world...

“When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change my town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realized that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could indeed have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Unknown Monk
1100AD